You have this vision that everything will be all cute cheeks and sweet smelling babies who sleep all the time and expel cute little poops every so often. I was a nanny for over 10 years so I had some idea my expectations were askew but I had no idea how unrealistic they really were. 

None of this is to scare anyone because, truth be told, none of it makes a difference in how much you want and love your child. Hopefully this helps you to be easy on yourself and be more prepared and if you’re lucky - enlist some help in whatever form you can get it! (Babysitter, family, spouse, family dog…you get the idea).

The big secret….well not really a secret as its plainly the title of this post, but hey I was trying to be dramatic...

So being a parent is going to suck some days and probably more days than it’s good especially in the beginning. There is a reason babies are so cute. And that’s because they need to be so you have something adorable to gaze at when you feel like you are about to die from the lack of sleep, food and basic hygiene. 

That cuteness literally keeps you going. 

I remember a particularly hard week when my daughter was first born where I had not showered in about 5 days and hadn’t had a full meal in at least a few days, I would just pick at things whenever I could and I was exhausted from having to get up with her all night long for days on end. I think I was resembling Gollum from lord of the rings at this point. My husband told me “man you’re looking rough”. To which I thought “I can smoother you with a pillow later because there’s no baby monitor facing my bed”.  Which I’ll admit was a bit dark but at that moment it gave me the comedic relief I needed to not break down right there in the kitchen. 

But then he said "let me take the baby and you go shower and eat". 

So this man I wanted to kill a moment ago freed me so I could take a quick shower. I remember the water hitting my body like a million waves of happiness. My hair screamed out…thank you we’re clean and my face felt 20 years younger just from some cleanser and moisturizer. I felt like a million bucks. Then I went downstairs and my husband had made me food. There it was a hot meal all for me to eat in peace. He had the kids on a phone call with his parents in the living room. I thought I married a god! He can do all this so calmly and efficiently while I resemble various movie monsters in different stages during my motherhood journey. 

But like all good things peace must come to an end…

My baby had a blowout in my husbands lap and my husband went from happy little super dad to “oh my god there’s so much poop, I need help” and at the same time my son decided it would be a good idea to run across the living room too fast as he was showing off to his grandparents and jealous of his new sister and he wiped out on the floor and began to scream (turns out he was fine but scared and needing some extra attention). So my hot meal got colder as I scrambled to help my husband get both our kids out of there respective predicaments. Meanwhile my mother in law is still on FaceTime so I can’t act too frazzled even though I’m pretty sure my insides were about to rupture from stress. 

We got both kids calmed and cleaned up and eventually I got to eat a cold meal, but hey it was a full meal and beggars can’t be choosers. Cool thing here is I’ll always need to eat again so I’ll have many more chances to try for warmth next time. 

My honest advice for new parents: 

Don’t expect to sleep…this one is pretty self explanatory I think. Newborns need to eat around the clock, every couple of hours which is not conducive to any sort of normal sleep schedule, especially if the mother is nursing. Please, please, please do not give your baby cereal to get them to sleep through the night! This can be extremely dangerous for a newborn without the muscle ability in their throat to swallow more dense food and it can have irreversible damage to their digestive tract. Under 6 months should be only breast milk or formula unless instructed by a physician…period.

Have ideas beforehand for meals so you’re not trying to think of what to eat when you’re exhausted because trust me logic evades you at this point and everything seems too big to accomplish and you go hungry

Expect to deal with more poop then a NY city sanitation worker…this is just part of the territory. Babies poop way more then they should and it’s not all rainbows and daffodils. It’s forceful and loud and stinky most of the time. Never take a sleeping baby for granted they are still armed and dangerous…

Have a diaper station in areas of your home you spend a lot of time. (Ex. We have a two story home so I keep a diaper station in my living Room). Keep an exact duplicate of your babies bedroom diaper area here (diapers, wipes, cream, burp clothes, change of clothes for you and baby, disinfecting wipes, emergency chocolate bar, whatever you need to get through the dark days of poop that lie ahead) 

Ask for help! Don't be afriad to reach out to family and friends and tell them if you are drowning. Now that the pandemic is not a concern for most people anymore this should be a lot easier for new parents. I wish that I had been able to do this. I talked with some other moms who have a babysitter who comes by like once a week to watch their kid and I thought what a great idea if you can afford that. This gives you a whole day to get errands done and focus on you for a change.

Get out of the house as often as you can. Those 4 walls can start to feel mighty small after awhile and fresh air does you and your baby a world of good. I would take my son for a walk every single day as soon as I was feeling healed enough after my c-section. So probably after a couple of weeks home from the hospital. He is almost 3 now and we never stopped. One consistent thing is our walks, and now we bring his younger sister along as well.

Exercise for your physical and mental health. I gained a significant amount of weight during my two pregnancies and with some back problems getting much worse afterwards knew I had to lose the weight. I distinctly remember my thighs rubbing together and I got back fat and these things made me feel so uncomfortable in my body that it gave me the motivation to change it. So every single day for months I took my kids with my giant double stroller to the local park and we walked over 2 miles. I started off weak and slow and before long I was incorporating 1-2 minute runs during my walk. The walk got easier each time. I just slowly layered more advanced techniques to my walk to get different parts of my body engaged. I am so strong that now I can run the whole thing if I want to. Then I took a stroller work out class with some other moms. This allowed me to learn some new ways to tone up and get me socializing with other mothers.

Remember you are not alone! To piggy back off of my point above...I think it is easy in the thick of having a new baby and even after being a seasoned parent to feel like you are the only one going through x,y or z. When you get around other people you realize they are just as tired, or hungry, or struggling with sleep regressions or having the worlds most picky eating toddler in their midst. No parent is immune and that fact helped me at times when I felt like I couldn't keep going. I would say to myself well hell if so and so can do this then so can I.

Don't fall into the comparing trap! We all have our strenghts and weaknesses and in parenting its no different. I for one absolutly suck at keeping their clothes organized and in season and size order. Its just not my thing and I struggle every season change. Half the time I forget I bought them a bunch of new stuff and I find the stuff after they outgrow it or its a new season...oops!

Ok last nugget of wisdom here. Try writing down your thoughts or feelings in a journal just for you. Better yet talk to a therapist if you can, or even better do both! This isn't rocket science but I had no idea how just writing down when I felt like my boobs were on fire from over milk production or how I spent my shower crying instead of washing up would help me. There is just something about getting those feelings out and on paper that helps alot! Parenting is the hardest thing most of us will ever do. Having someone to professionally guide you can be a game changer. Just make sure it is someone you really connect with and can open up to, to really enlist their help. One day not to far from now you can burn that journal or be like me and read back on it with tears in your eyes because your baby is now a toddler and every day needs you a little less.

Stay strong my friends and remember how much this crazy mom believes in you!